Be His Peace: Inside the Home of The Black Man and The Strong Black Woman
In the beginning of my marriage; my mouth would say one thing, while my actions said something different. My mouth said I was ready for my husband to lead and to take my place as the supportive backbone, but my actions said, “I got this.”
For many years, I was the head of my household and when I remarried the shift was hard. Let me be real here; it still is at times. I was used to calling all the shots, making all the decisions, along with disciplining and rewarding the children. I had no one to answer to or assist in making the decisions that would affect how things played out in my home. Because of past decisions that caused hurt and harm, I was very protective and guarded. I struggled with falling back and letting my husband lead.
Speaking with other women, I found one commonality. We start to feel some type of way when we hear the words “submissive” or “help meet.” Some people think that it makes you weak or "soft" when submitting to your husband. Because women have had to step into the place of head of household, it is an unfamiliar place to be the help meet. Women are often criticized for letting their husband take the lead but, biblically the man is responsible for his family and will be held accountable.
Let’s make it clear; being the head of household, is not being a dictator. It does not mean that the woman has no say in making decisions or even taking the lead in some situations. It means that we are in this thing together. It means that we must let go of pride and past hurts, and allow our husband to be the head of our household.
Trust me ladies, I know it can be difficult; especially when our husbands have not always made the right decisions, and it caused a ripple effect of chaos. This is when we must shift gears. There is a line in one of my favorite movies, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck.” Please note, this is not to be used to manipulate, but to help guide.
So much has been going on this year, to include reports of the divorce rate rising. The quick shift of being quarantined, and layoffs right behind put a huge strain on most households. The rise in police brutality, especially towards our Black men added fuel to the fire that continues to burn ferociously.
In this current climate, our men have been beaten up enough. We should make our homes a safe place for them, a place of solace. How can we do this? Here are a few tips:
• Before we start with the complaints, ask him how he is doing. Yes, we may have had a long and hard day, but check on him first.
• When bringing a complaint, bring a solution. This is not just for our household; we should be using this in every area of our life.
• Remind him of how great he is. Speak life to him. Think of how good it makes you feel when getting a compliment and double that for him.
• Tell him how much you appreciate him. We often take for granted the everyday gestures that allow our homes to run. A little appreciation goes a long way.
• Respect your man. Although you may not agree with him, you should never belittle or berate him. They get enough of that from the world.
• Learn his love language and speak it often. Men and women speak different languages all together; so, dig deeper, learn his love language, and its specific dialect.
• Set "alone time," and stick to it. Make him a priority and make it fun. We get so caught up with our jobs, kids, and other things that we often leave them on the back burner.
• Let intimacy start before you get to the bedroom. Flirt, wear his favorite scent, a gentle touch, a sweet kiss... give him something to look forward to later on.
• Pray for him. Prayer is your greatest weapon of all.
To sum it all up; treat him how you would like for him to treat you, and double up on it. Let him be happy to come home and be home. With all that is going on the other side of the door; let it stay outside. Laugh often and love hard!