Why We Reason Before Walking Away
Perpetuate. That is the word that came to me at 3:30am today.
I feel as though you have learned coping mechanisms that don’t necessarily serve who you are becoming. I may have some from how I was raised; however, I changed a majority of them because they no longer served me. The people that taught them to me lived in different times, and saw the world differently and are not on the path I’m on. We can all live in the “what ifs;” however, we can’t grow in them. If you are saying, "what if we argue again?" I can tell you, "yes, we will." Will it be the same? I can’t conclude that based on one incident. If you are saying, "what if it does happen?" Based on this particular issue, more than likely it wouldn’t hold the same value, because we have discussed it. I don’t see us not trying to learn each other or understand each other in the coming months. Relationships are work, and only YOU know how much work you are willing to put in. Being in the relationship, I understand that.
Core: the central or most important part of something. You said this is something that is "core." Communication is an ever-evolving thing. There are contexts, dialects, upbringings and social factors that can change communication. This has metastasized, due to a miscommunication....you said you apologized, I didn’t hear it. We can’t go back and correct that, we can only correct the now and learn from it. You said I pick and choose. Yes I do; we all do. Everyone, at some point, has been a hypocrite and/or facilitated a double standard. It’s all perspective. We still get to decide, in real time, our choices. That is the beauty of us being human.
You will need to decide why, at some point, you couldn’t go a day without talking to me or telling me you love me? Why you couldn’t fathom not being around me? Why you love me? What about this relationship makes you want to keep going? What are willing to fight for, in any relationship...with me or whoever? Why are you here? With me? I can’t decide that for you or tell you why. What I can say is, this will be a stretch for both of us. I absolutely don’t plan on being the person I am today tomorrow, the next day or the next year. I love growing and evolving.
This was a text to an ex. We had experienced three months of bliss and THEN, our first argument. He said he needed some "time" (a week) to think about what happened and why it happened. I was his first "real" relationship. To me, he had taken something simple and made it complex. For a simple misunderstanding; here, I was talking him off of the ledge. I was raised to forgive easliy. Why? Because the woman who rasied me, would argue with me and afterwards be nice and make dinner. I literally, NEVER went to bed angry. But, here we were.
I seriously had to talk myself through him telling me that I had "suffered from traumatic experiences from my past and was projecting those experiences on him." He literally told me I had PTSD, needed a therapist, and that I "micromanaged" him like we were working on a job together. First, sir; check your terminology. "Micromanaging does not refer to relationships; it refers to work (which you have not done in six months). Now, I had previously shared with him that I, in the past, saw a therapist to get over my emotional stress of my father and relationship issues; but in no way did I give him permission to tell me I did not make progress. Especially, since he had never been to therapy and had his own family issues.
Why do we feel the need to reason with someone before we walk away instead of just walking away? Seriously! What does closure actually give us? Does it make us feel like we are good people for giving others a chance to be good to us or perhaps change their perspectives of us?
According to my therapist, when you are comfortable with who you are through Christ, you will not feel the need to reason with someone who does not appreciate your value or what you bring to the table. THAT was what my issue was; not understanding my value enough to let it go. It was really THIS hard to let go of something that did not add value to me or my life. I had to reason or talk it out. I felt the need to hear someone out to further validate me or give me context. Let me be very clear. This is not to say that there isn't anything that you should be willing to iron out and express your feelings on; however, when you know who you are, you will be able to discern when this is a person you want to express your feelings to and when it is person that is genuinly a waste of time and effort. Now, if you are someone that just needs to get your point across to protect your inner peace, then do it; but do it without expecting anything in return. Not a reply, not comfort, not reason, not fairness.
Everyone, I get it. There is not ONE answer that solves every relationship struggle. But, it starts with working on you and what you bring to the table. Relationships are meant to enhance who we already are; not make us who we are. I will leave you with this quote, "Once you discover your true worth, walking away from where you are not valued will become the easiest hard thing you will ever do." - Stace Morris