Sis, That’s Not a Boundary, That’s a Wall

In recent years, “boundaries” have become a rallying cry in conversations about self-care and mental health. From group chats to social media threads, women, especially Black women are redefining what it means to protect their peace.

But there’s an important distinction that often gets blurred: not everything we call a boundary is actually one. Sometimes, what we’re labeling as a boundary is really a wall—and the two operate in very different ways.

Boundaries vs. Walls

A boundary is a clear standard that communicates what you will and will not accept. It creates space for connection while maintaining your peace. For example: “I don’t take work calls after 7 p.m.” or “I need you to respect my alone time on Sundays.” A wall, by contrast, shuts everything and everyone out. It sounds like: “I don’t date because men can’t be trusted.” or “I don’t do friendships anymore, people always disappoint me.” The difference is subtle but critical. Boundaries are rooted in self-love. Walls are rooted in fear.

Boundaries are rooted in self-love. Walls are rooted in fear.

The Cost of Walls

Walls often arise from hurt, betrayal, or exhaustion. In the short term, they feel protective. But over time, they create distance not just from harm, but from intimacy, opportunities, and joy. What feels like “protecting your peace” can sometimes be avoidance in disguise.

Signs you may be building a wall include:

• Cutting people off without explaining what hurt you.

• Avoiding new opportunities out of fear of rejection.

• Feeling safe, but also lonely and disconnected.

  
  

Why It Matters

For many women, walls once served a purpose. They were a survival tactic in response to trauma, toxic workplaces, or unhealthy relationships. But survival and thriving are not the same thing. Boundaries allow us to engage with the world on healthier terms; walls keep us locked away from it.

Boundaries say: here’s how I need to be loved. Walls say: I won’t let you in at all.

Choosing Boundaries Over Walls

Shifting from walls to boundaries requires intentionality:

1. Identify what you truly need. Instead of shutting down, ask yourself what would make you feel respected or supported.

2. Communicate clearly. Boundaries work only when they are expressed.

3. Be consistent. Holding the line reinforces that your peace is not negotiable.

4. Stay open. Boundaries preserve room for connection, while walls eliminate it.

   
   

The difference between surviving and thriving often comes down to whether we’re living behind walls or standing firmly within our boundaries. One limits us. The other frees us.

Walls protect us from hurt, but they also block us from intimacy, opportunity, and joy.

So, Sis, when you say you’re protecting your peace, pause and ask: Is this a boundary, or is this a wall? The answer may be the key to unlocking the fullness of the life you deserve.